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Monday, June 8, 2015
It has been five years since i've last posted on this blog. It has been hell of a ride. I don't think i've realised how long it has been but yet when i read back at my previous posts, i felt like just yesterday i was a little less mundane, a little less confident, a little less mature and wise.
I'm legal now, turning 22 this novemember and still stuck in my solaces. I'm still a confused human being, lost in the era of high tech and lucid dreams, high fashion and useless world organizations. I'd like to believe i've achieved highly tremendous flawless works of art and am currently residing in paris right now but i am not. Im still here, out on the tiny island of Singapore, been here all awhile and still not done with my education.
Though Im at the last bit end of my rope, i'd prefer to study further as not because i love it, but because i think cutting short for your education is not for everyone, especially in the society like Singapore, though many would differ to think otherwise.
I'm here to ample on my nightly thoughts on my life and the world we live in generally and i cant help but feel hopeless again and again.
Nothing excites me anymore, maybe i just need to see outside my little world.
Im going to have to chase the wind.
Wish me luck :)
CC
Sound
'
beautiful memories
Thursday, September 30, 2010
now baby ure not around, im laying low in th middle of these nights. so i travelled back down th memory lane and found i missed u so badly right now.
sometimes i forget how much i love u and how much ive wanted to spend every single moment of my life with u .. now what happened to us?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
i know im selfish , that i couldnt share u with other soul even if ure an idol and all famous around th whole country . though i never lost u , u never was there like any other kindda father would.. cause daddy it aint fair , u noe urself u arent playing fair .. its not fair for us ba.. i need u to know ... its really not fair .
i need a awakening call .
i miss long rides back home , alone. with my walkman eairpiece blasting off music into my fragile eardrums. i miss waiting for your texts , even if its just a simple 'hey' . i miss thinking about u along eastcoastpark alone at 11pm on simple nights that i found it sophiscated . i miss that chance when u walked me home , kissed me goodnight and asked if this could be done everynight , when i said no .. i missed that old you who would allow me to be a kiddy almost always but let me respect myself sometimes as an young adult . now, where'd u go ..?
.
2 years .
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
saw ur picha, with another girl. u smiling along , but u dont look happy., i know cause those eyes dont tell me so.. it has been years, after u dump eveything on me and left. my chest tighten , my fist clenched. thts when i realised th scar is still there.. u said ure happy but i noe ure not.. she aint ur happiness so why cannt u just see ? ure just dumb or plain stupid a-hole.? wht past is past yeah, but thts just up to us isint it ? cause it seems like just yesterday for me.. shit, i still cannt believe i begged u .. u asked for forgiveness, oh well , go die. sorry wont apply to how much it hurts me. if sorry was enough, why is there police and justice in this world. i cannt imagine if i had to be stuck with u..
awakening of myself..
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
u were searching and digging out frm th past , when we used to be a thing. but now , this is who i am. its been 7 years , we cannt turn back to where we used to stand as one. cause since then., when i was removed frm ur heart, ive learned to be much stronger than who i was , much more perplexed, much more to be bulletproof frm ur mistakes .. i wont hate u , cause u cannt be changed, u refused to change though people has given u chances , mostly me.. and since i cannt wait, i'd to move on. i love u , but loving someone who cannt love u back th way u wanted to be loved, is th most sinful thing ive ever felt in my life. and because of that, i will move on. no matter what happen between us frm th past till now., everything has to stop , things between us , it has to be a fullstop now. cause maybe bby, both of us donot wants to continue , but just cannt let go of th momentous past , we just let it carry on. but ive woken up frm this dream. th dream of fantasy that i cannt turn into reality. i hope u can wake up someday, cause i believe as long as one of us knows abt how to change , maybe another will follow suit. both of us know our hopes and dreams. though ive loved u , this doesnt mean i have to stop loving u, i can love u frm afar , maybe in a proper way of loving a person.. although i dont know about our future, lets pray tell that we can still be friends. cause being arkward around isint me at all and i noe u wont like that either. so , lets just live on , continue abt our daily perspects , only in a differnt route . cause theres no more me + you. its only me , and you..
self-potraits.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Now sitting in the ER next tuh mom, i felt almost th same way ; as if my life was a house that had burned down, leaving me on the sidewalk with nothing but the ESSENTIAL dellila. i wasnt my dad's favourite girl anymore. i wasnt going to grow up to be a famous singer/song writer/comper/music producer/entertainment industry's king , like him ; thanks to ********. the odds were pretty good that i wasnt going to grow up at all. i wasnt destiny's child anymore , either, the ordinary hman who could not get hurt by any means frm anyone or everyone. i wasnt his girlfriend ; i had thrown that away , so easily that i myself cannt imagine i could ever, i used to treasure this relationship to every bits as long as i remembered .. but things changed, people changed. i guess ive changed to ulmost somebody else ..; and if ally and all my other bffs were still willing to be pals with me it was more than i deserved. cause i just realised ive been the most ultimate unhuman human being that anyone can ever imagine..
It sounds as if i was depressed, but i had passed through desolation and was in the strange country beyond that, with the burned shell of my old life behind me , i suppose you could say i felt empty, but stripped down would be closer ; clearheaded, too and clear-eyed. All my life it seemed to me , i had USED people. performed for them, charmed and joked and bribed my way into their hearts. ins, instead of myself,i gave them the dellila show, hoping that maybe my thoughtlessness and quick temper and laziness would be forgiven if only the show was funny enough, fast enough. but the audience had left the theater, and the stage lights were going down, no show left. just dellila.
this is everything i noe for sure :
i jump off things. i also jump over things (sometimes) and into them (often) . i have been known to skin my knees. i swish i didnt care about the way i look, but i care alot. i like fresh squeezed orange juice at breakfast and the smell of cooking garlic at dinner. ther's still a vein of unhappiness in my mother that nevers goes away.,that makes me angry and it makes me feel guilty. i hate that i cant fix it but i know that i cannt: and all that being said, it wouldn't kill me to do dishes a couple more times a week. i hate waiting and i hate being scared . i've let a alot of people down, but when i can finally stop thinking about myself, i find i still love them, fiercely. i hate dogs. i cannt wear orange, which just is true for some people, and even when i panic i can usually keep thinking , im told that as a child i was very kind to the kids other people made fun of. i dont remember this, but i do know that my teachers always put me at the table with the foreign exchange students. come to think of it, thts probably how i met ally :D
my name is dellila dheroza and i hate my real name though its real special. my daddy named me a name that only me in this whole wide world own it and i love it but i kindda hate it cause of personal reasons . And i remembered when i was a little girl i tried to eat a red crayon because it was such a beautiful color. if i close my eyes , i can still remember how it was goinna taste . or like that time i jumped off th garage and hurt my ankle i remember sitting in th ER thinking how drastically pain simplifies the world. all your usual thoughts -- hair ,TV, lappies,school, whether people like you and whether you want them to -- all that goes away,. your world shrinks down to the edge of your skin and its just you, the animal.